Intent and Emotion-Based Patterns

I have met people who were treated very badly as children but who refused to pass on that abuse to their children. They have my utmost respect. The therapy required to resolve the psychological harm done to them is beyond the scope of this post, but the clear intent and determination isn’t. We can all learn from this kind of heroism and apply it to our everyday lives.

We all have psychological patterns that are harmful – or at least disrespectful – to others, and the first step in changing these patterns is a clear intent to be different. We need to decide both that we want to be different and how we want to be different, i.e. what we want to be doing instead.

Every one of us can change emotion-based patterns. That change does not usually happen overnight, so we need to set an original intention and maintain that intention over time. That means messing up, forgiving ourselves (and apologizing if appropriate), then trying again, and again, and again. The important part is not giving up on ourselves and our intention to be different. If you need outside help changing the pattern, ok, that’s fine, but don’t give up.

And what do you want to do instead? At first, that can be as simple as walking away. This simple decision can give you time to calm down and decide how you want to respond, or even if you want to respond. Walking away can be a brief few minutes or several days – whatever it takes for you to calm down and get clear – so any response you give is one you are proud of later.

And then what? First, is it worthwhile to give a response? Can anything good come out of it? If it is just revenge, what is the point? Is that how you want to spend your time and energy?

What are your values that dictate how you want to interact with others? How do you respond in a way that follows those values? For me, that would mean respect for both the other person and myself, and each situation is different. Can I appreciate where they were coming from? Is there something I need to learn from this? These are some questions to consider as you process the situation from a calmer place.

Thinking through your answer and deciding for yourself helps build your ability to make fully conscious decisions, ones that represent who you really are. Nobody can tell you what the right decision for you. My guess is you know what is right if you take the time to consider the impact, both on others and on your life. This work can be challenging – and very rewarding.

And please join me in the audio below so we can walk through this together.

I would love to know your thoughts and any ideas you have for future posts.

Warmly,

Pamela